2003-12-08 - 11:04 a.m.

Actually, Gannymede doesn't go to the movies. I watch films at home, in my pyjamas, with my feet up on the table and either a beer or a coffee in hand, depending on the time of day. Going to the cinema is the sort of thing you do when you've got a girlfriend and you don't want to stay at home and realise how little you have in common. It looks like you're "doing something", but all that something is, is sitting in silence with your fellow sardines, watching some crappy film. You can't pause it when you want to go for a piss, and the soundtrack is set to DEAFEN in order to drown out the rustling of confectionary wrappers. So to surmise, the following people go to the cinema: people in dysfuntional relationships (just about everyone), noisy bastard kids who got refused cider at the "pakies" or lone oddballs who might just be repressed homosexuals.

Once, in a moment of madness, I went to see Something About Mary on my own, and in the deserted cinema a guy about my age chose to ignore all the empty seats, and sit right next to me. All through the film, he laughed loudly or muttered stuff like "Oh god, no way!" while shielding his eyes from the screen with his greasy fingers. Never again. The only film I've ever seen on my own and didn't feel ahshamed for doing so was the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Mid summer afternoon, hardly anyone there, first time I'd seen it. Magic. No stupid couples at that screening! Fuck, even the seats were comfy. The last film I saw at the cinema was the first Lord Of The Rings. God, it was a miserable experience. I'd never taken anti-depressants before I sat through that nonsense.

Yes, it's much better to watch dvds on the couch. Want proof? Well, yesterday, I ventured into the town with £20 and came back with Se-seven-en on double dvd (a mistake by Virgin with the pricing gun - all the other copies were £19.99) and My Best Friend Is A Vampire, Mad Mission 4 and Men at Work for £1 each from Cash Generators. The last one is an Emillio classic. He wrote and directed it and it stars him and his brother. They're garbage men! In a garbage film! Hahahahahahaha! It is the only film ever made that features an airbag filled with shit exploding on someone.

Other films that have passed before my magic sofa include:

May. A beautiful gothic horror, love story, featuring lesbianism, unrequited love and dismemberment. Plus, the best eyeball slicing scene since Un Chien Andalou.

City of God. Goodfellas set in the slums of Brazil. I hate myself for using the obvious Goodfellas reference, but fuck it, it's not like I'm getting paid to write this shit. The best part is where one of the mini-gangters transforms himself into a dope-smokin' playa, choosing dancing over killing children. It's one fine looking film - the slums of Rio De Janerio are shot so lovingly, all dusty, ochre hues and vast blue sky. The dialogue is fairly basic, but that's probably due to a lazy translator.

The Last Great Wilderness. A rural Scottish revenge film, with nods to the Wicker Man (best film ever). It's got forest rituals, whiskey drinking and Eugene Kelly dancing about in a bear suit. What more could you want? Scotland is a great place to set films in, and this is defiatley the treasure in the ex-rental trash pile.

Going to the cinema? Why?

previous - next