2004-05-12 - 7:31 p.m.

More searing insight into my fascinating life!

Took a stroll to the supermarket today. For some reason I awoke with a powerful craving for white socks and potato salad. They're selling Levis for £25 now. This is great news as I think that's about the right price for jeans and it means I don't have to go to some pokey shop with loud "music" and hectoring shop assistants. I remember one time I was trying on some breeks in a Levis cupboard and the merchant had the nerve to peer over the changing room door to ask if I was managing OK. I stabbed her with a spork and told her that as amazing as it seems, I am in fact capable of putting my trousers on. One leg at a fucking time, toots. What did she think I was trying to jump into the motherfuckers or what? I weep for the future, I really do. But anyway, back to Asda. My, it's benefited from it's Wal*ification. You can get the 60s Batman film on dvd for £5. And Bachelor Party. And! And! Adventures in Babysitting. Who'd a thunk it? I was rather disappointed by the measly selection of pyjamas on offer. No stripes - all paisley. Ewww. I suspected they might not even have a button fly. Lazy cunts - it's just a button! It does nothing for your confidence when every lunge could free the old chap. Give us a button, you stingy scrooges! They also had some ridiculous garment called a "kimono gown" The model on the cover looked like such a fucking fool I almost felt sorry for him and his family. So a large supermarket is quite happy to try and sell such stupid items, but will anywhere sell capes? Will they fuck.

The socks are just what I wanted. White, chunky and with 2 blue stripes at the top. They'll look totally badass with my garters, penny loafers and Bermuda shorts. Four pairs for £4 - god bless Capitalism. So the workers get paid a pittance? Fuck 'em. They should have paid more attention in school. There's more to these socks than meets the eye, though. There's a whole Internet’s worth of worthless information on the packaging, which takes a turn for the sinister as the type gets smaller No ordinary foot-covers these, they boast: Arch Support! Built in deodoriser! Lycra for increased comfort! and Cushion Sole! I'd really like to know how they get a built in deoderiser from 84% cotton, 13% nylon, 2% Lycra elastane and 1% acrylic. What's that rogue 1% for, exactly? Did Nduga Ng find herself with a little scrap left and just think, "fuck it"? Would anyone be any the wiser if they didn't declare the 1% acrylic on the packaging? I'm asking myself, who had the motive? Back and to the left...

Helpfully, I'm also warned to KEEP AWAY FROM FIRE. And here was me about to just leap into that volcano. It surely won't make that much difference if one's socks are removed before the Wicker Man is bolted shut? What, do the socks explode or something? Towards the barcode, things get really interesting. A rather cryptic and alarming hint states "when placing on foot roll back to ensure loops do not catch toes". Never mind that missing comma, Loops?! These white wonders are booby-trapped? Most chillingly, there is no guidance on what action to take if the wearer's foot does become trapped in these mysterious loops. What do I roll back? I'm quacking with fear as it is and now I'm told to keep away from babies if I want to avoid suffocation! I had no idea the shodding process was so fraught with danger. They've put a picture of a sock on the front, so I at least have some idea of what I'm dealing with. I think I can take 'em. I'm hungry like the wolf.

Potato salad, coleslaw, socks and 3 video tapes. Change from a tenner. No queue at the checkout. Night of The Comet arrived in the mail. Life is wonderful.

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