2005-04-29 - 12:40 a.m.

The Internet is full of irrational hatreds, petty jellousies, ignorant posturing, gay drama, look at me! look at me! I can type and I've got a journal and it doesn't matter if my school sucks and my parents are such dicks and and... Well, I'm no different. Sniping is easy and so am I. So, Pete Doherty. I don't like doing this, but I've got to. I'm sick to the back teeth of the man. Man? Ha! He has the face of a 3 year old baboon with an intellect to match. As my friend Paul used to say "he's got a face you'd never tire of punching." He wears the worst clothes I've ever seen, and not in a good way. Art fag. Sinatra would puke in his grave if he saw what this "tortured poet" was doing to the fedora. Ripped jeans and tracksuit tops. He is, as Bill Hicks would put it, a sucker of Satan's cock. It's impossible to peruse the red-tops in John Menzies these days without his sweaty, gimpoid moon-face peering out, pleading "Please listen to my tragic story of how I fucked up my job with a mediocre indie band - it's really interesting!" He gives drug addicts a bad name.

Jesus tap dancing Christ, if you're going to get fucked up, just get on with it without turning your life into a pathetic soap opera. Did Keith Richards whore himself out like this? Did Hunter S. Thompson hook up with the biggest groupie of them all and get her name tatood on his scrawny little child arm? Did Lou Reed burgle John Cale's house? Did Shaun Ryder follow some deluded NME-endorsed notion about the lucrative portrayal of heroin chic? Hell no! Can't you get high without a photographer, you little prick? You need talent to get away with these shenanigans, Peter, and you don't have it. Even the rubbish Sid "I'm not a queer" Vicious did My Way. There's been worse bands than the Libertines, but there's been about a zillion better. Babyshambles? Jesus wept. It doesn't get much lower than punning a girlie drink for your band name and hinting that... ooh, you're a bit shambolic! The NME loves a shambolic band. So much easier than being great. Another Wannabe, Another Priory.... guitar solo!

Other bands reforming this week include: The Thrills, Butthole Surfers, Jonathan*Fireater, The Delgados, Symposium, The Beatles, King Crimson, the Mamas and the Papas, ELO, Red Kross, Pearl Jam, Color Me Bad, The High Lamas, Gay Dad, Talking Heads, Turin Brakes, The Doobie Brothers, World of Twist, Bush, The Wannadies Placebo, The KLF... and many others! All the kids are doing it - reform your band! Play the hits! The past must never die. Wasn't nostalgia great?

This is what they'll say:

"Although it seems like every old band is reforming these days, the ONE band you WOULDN'T have expected to get back together is..."

This just in... The Libertines play harmonica together in a Camden pub - a desperate music press rejoices!

Pass the heroin.

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