2005-05-18 - 2:19 a.m.

Days are long, nights are short, I'm up late and here's my report!

AM and PM are now successfuly reversed and I've put up happy coloured lanterns to celebrate. It's like Christmas at Liberace's house round here. It's pretty cool, though. It's me, the cats and the TV. The other night I was watching Popworld - funny as fuck! Simon Amstell is my new favourite homosexual. He was interviewing some guy called Akon:

Simon: I heard you spent some time in jail?

Akon: Yeah, I was charged with being the ringleader...

Simon: You should have been the ringleader of a circus instead! So, is prison as much fun as it looks on TV?

Laugh? Lets just say fags were passed round and I booked a trip to Ethiopia. The point being that I never stumble across something as wonderful as that during the day. It's always Let Lesbians Ruin Your House or The Boy Whose Fingers Raped A Pencil on Channel 4. Viva Nocturn!

I've also discovered a guy by the name of Hugh Fearnley-Whittignstall (Hugh Fearlessly Eating All). He does this show called A Cook On The Wildside. It's on at about 5am which is just perfect. The gimmick is that he refuses to buy food and has to "survive" from rummaging about in the woods. On his travels he encounters rustic types - gamekeepers, poachers, hippies, gypsies - and booms cooking know-how at them like Withnail with a megaphone. He says things like "So, I think I'll serve it with some nettle wine courtesy of our old friend the witch". He really did meet a witch. Hugh scurries up trees in search of some mythical breed of fungus while I watch agog, eating a tomato ketchup crisp sandwich.

One of the most wonderful late night TV moments came when Hugh was irritating some oddball beardy fishermen in the middle of a swamp somewhere in pagen England. I can't even remember what he cooked, sand eels, or some such buffoonery, but while he was force feeding the rustics the bizarre comestible, one of them starts playing this tin whistle, causing his fellow mendicant to go dancing off into the marshy yonder. Hugh just continued eating. I think I stood up on the couch and saluted the TV.

Like I say, you just don't see shit like that during the daytime.

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