2006-04-19 - 1:18 p.m.

The Older Woman brought this story to my attention recently:

http://news.scotsman.com/uk.cfm?id=571792006

It totally blew my mind. I mean, just read that story and tell me that something hasn't gone seriously wrong somewhere. Dominik Diamond was going to crucify himself for our entertainment. We were supposed to watch this wazzock getting his extremities impaled. The celebrity debasement bar has been raised. They don't just eat insects in the jungle anymore, no, they hammer spikes through their hands and feet. That's what we want to see on TV, apparently.

I used to watch Dominik Diamond on Gamesmaster. He was a fresh-faced young scamp making rubbish jokes about pants and joysticks. I had no inkling that he was going to go Bonkers In The Nut. I kinda feel sorry for him, the god-fearing loon. He was at one point going to go through with this bizarre ritual. Just think on that. I'm a ghoul with a farily healthy reading on the sickometer: I love seeing a bit of the old Ultraviolance on telly and I've sought decapitations on the Internet, but one thing I hope never to see is the silly but harmless Dominik Diamond getting nailed to a cross. Imagine what was going through his head when the realisation about what was going to happen kicked in. What a fucking strange position to find yourself. About to be mutilated voluntarily for the delectation of a bunch of gawping morons.

It's the satirists and comedians that I feel sorry for. You've got Dick Cheney getting drunk and shooting someone in the face. George Bush. And, you've got affable idiot Dominik Diamond self harming to the extreme for ratings.

What does it say about this age of ours when I read sentences like this in the paper:

"DOMINIK Diamond, a Scottish television and radio presenter, yesterday broke down in tears and refused to be nailed to a wooden cross as part of a re- enactment of the Passion of Christ in the Philippines."

And, no, I've no idea why they capitalise the first word either.

He broke down in tears! Tears! Why am I being told this? Why? Why? Why the fuck is this happening?! What would they be doing if Jesus had got the Chair?

'He had also gone through a period of insomnia which left him unable to sleep for days on end and when his prayers for sleep went unanswered, he doubted the existence of God.
Diamond said: "I thought this was such a simple thing to ask and He could not do it."'

Aye, you've got a point there, Dommy-boy. I mean, I just asked God to get rid of my hangover and make me a bacon roll. Such a simple thing and He didn't do it! Finally, proof that he doesn't exist. I should really have thought of this before. This freaked me out so much that I thought about getting crucified. Instead I had to settle for stapling my hand to the Cornflakes box. God digs this, right?

At the risk of repeating myself: Dominik Diamond was going to crucify himself for TV.

Jesus wept.

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