2006-04-23 - 8:58 p.m.

Confession time: I live at home with my parents. There, I said it. My mum is currently away on holiday with her suspected lesbian lover. I now live with two cats and a nutjob father. Being dark and disturbed, I was away from the house for more than a day, and the kitties acted upon this. We don't have a catflap, y'see. Bane of my life. I came home expecting to find some piss or puke in the bathtub (our cats are usually pretty considerate). Instead a far more gruesome sight befell mine eyes. A pool of blood. "Where was this grim discovery," you tremble? I'll tell you where! On the chopping board, that's where. On the kitchen worktop. Yes, look aghast. One of the cats pissed blood on the chopping block. After I'd sprayed the area with various potions, my dad came home. I said "just got home an hour ago. We'll have to chuck it out." My father said, "Och no, a bit of bleach and some sanding and it'll be fine."
I thought he was joking.

Let's think about this: a cat takes a Bloody Piss on our chopping block. That thing we cut up vegetables on. The last surface before consumption. A cat pisses blood on it. That's grounds for getting a new one, right? Not to my old man. He was seriously considering cleaning it. Wait till mum hears about this! Heaven forbid we should spend a couple of quid on a new chopping block. No, BLOODY CAT PISS isn't enough to warrant a new purchase. Why did the mad cat even take the trouble of leaping up onto the worktop before taking a leak? I don't know, but I do know that my dad is a stingy, unhygenic loon. I also know that when I feel a bloody piss coming on I know straight where I'm aiming for. It was now about 4am. The chopping board was soaking in bleach in the untility room (after I had distincly thrown it outside). I put my shoes on and took my drunken ass to a wheely bin (it's like a trashcan, my American brethren) a few streets down and deposited the urine-soaked utensil therein! No way was I eating off that thing, man.

Long story short: I have to buy a new chopping board.

Well, that's something to look forward to.

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