2006-12-29 - 6:26 a.m.

You'd think with a title like "The Most Annoying Celebrities of 2006" I'd have more sense than to watch it. This is a contender for the most mean-spirited globule of hawked-up dreck that I've ever tortured myself with. It's the first television programme to make me angry in a long time, and not in a good way. As is par for the course for these lazily compiled slagathons, the David Byrnes were made up of unknown "comedians" and "show-biz reporters". Their comments on this year's annoying celebrities amounted to "Yeah.... X... What's she all about 'eh? With her doing stuff in front of the cameras? WHO THE DOES THIS CUNT THINK SHE IS?" I've come to expect his sort of witless humbug from idiots on television, but when a guy that George Michael once had sex with is described as a "Fat, ugly taxi-driver" then I begin to suspect that the BBC don't deserve to charge us for this shite. Just to reiterate: it is illegal to watch television in the UK unless you accept the BBC as your master. You have no choice about this. The BBC know best and they think you should be criminalised unless you pay to watch hypocritical mediacunts slagging off people who have made something of their lives and keep said mediacunts in a job.

Yes, of course Tom Cruise is an annoying celebrity. How annoying that he became a fruitcake! How annoying that slobbering cretins get paid to talk about him by the BBC! How annoying that Big Brother contestants kept us occupied for the entire summer! How annoying that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie fell in love! Man, I HATE them! How it made my BLOOD BOIL that Mel Gibson called a cop "Sugartits"! Man, I could hardly sleep I was so annoyed by him! I mean, it's not as if he allowed us to kill some time by talking earnestly about what a racist he was!

Here's an irony for you: Numero Uno Annoying Celebrity 2006 was none other than Pete DoCCCherty. Remember that time I called him a talentless buffoon? Well, at least I wasn't doing it on telly for money. At least I came up with my own spite, rather than just sitting in a chair while a camera rolls, responding to some twat with an asymmetrical haircut saying "Yeah, so Pete DoCKerty's a bit of twat, yeah?" And at least I'm not charging you to claw at the flecks of bile cast from my bully pulpit.

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