2007-05-26 - 5:44 a.m.

I’ve never been into whale saving, hectoring poppycock. However, I did realise how moronic the environmentalist cult was when I read an article in The Guardian recently that told me that the FA cup final was bad for the environment. I think it was something to do with the cars that some fans would drive to Wembley and also the amount of hotdogs they would consume once there. This is in an ostensibly sober national newspaper. Why did this piece not meet The Spike? Does The Guardian seriously think that football fans shouldn’t buy a ticket, but instead watch the final on TV because that’s the ethical thing to do? Speaking from personal experience, when Didier ‘bloody’ Drogba scored in the last minute, polar bears were about as far from my train of thought as Alaska is to Scotland. I don’t suppose the capering cockney twats in the stands were giving too much consideration to the plight of the melting ice caps either. Ah, but watching it on TV is also using up energy! Maybe we should simply forgo all sports and televised entertainment in order to prevent global warming. This is the same faggoty newspaper that used to run a weekly column entitled ‘Is It OK To….’ followed by a subject heading like ‘…Own a Cat’ or ‘Get on with your life without some finger-wagging Mary trying to bring you down’. Invariably the answers to these Ethical Dilemmas would be a cautious ‘no’. It really wasn’t ethical to do, well, anything. Just being alive was enough to send those global thermometers soaring. And you can forget about daring to go on holiday! Planes use fuel! They must be stopped! I wonder just how ethical it is to read the Guardian – those poor trees that die just so Leo Hickman can babble on and espouse a vague distrust of Big Business.

That’s what it comes down to, really, all this green guff. After the dismal failure of Communism, a lunatic cowlick of The Left is now using ‘climate change’ as a tool with which to attack progress. The loss of religious belief plays a part in this curiously militant delusion as well. What I’m coming to realise as I get older and fatter and balder is that humans have some basic needs. We need stories, we need conflict, but most of all we need someone to tell us what to do. Now that religion has died on its pompous arse, the traditionally secular left are frantically clutching for an authority figure. The mask of Environmentalism/Ethical Living/Climate Change suits them well. You can be quite the little tyrant in the name of Saving The Planet From The Evils of Modern Life. Al Gore is the new Karl Marx. I hate to break it to you, but Al Gore doesn’t really care about the polar bears. He’s a power hungry man who’s still rankled that he lost a bullshit election and now he wants to spring his limp dick back into life again. He sees that climate change is the trendy thing and uses it as a vehicle to finagle himself back into pop culture. An Inconvenient Truth? Quite. Think about how popular religion used to be and how it’s died off in the face of irrefutable science. Now think about how that’s going to impact our society. It’s gonna leave a mark. It’s not easy to accept that our lives are arbitrary and ungoverned. Enter environmentalism and all it’s loony offshoots. You must recycle! You must not drive! You must not use airlines! You must not use electricity! It’s just another form of authoritarianism or list of commandments.

This would be all well and good were this form of tyranny actually beneficial to mankind. Quite the opposite is the case. There’s people out there lobbying against third world countries using nuclear power. Seemingly, it’s OK to protect that nebulous and arbitrary concept of ‘the environment’ whereas helping humans who are experiencing real suffering isn’t considered. The fucking Guardian (again) had the gaul to run an article about how France shouldn’t try to revitalise its economy because that would interfere with our postcard image of a nation of wine quaffing bon viveurs. This despite the fact the same article, by that cuntwad Stuart Jeffries, mentioned that France’s current economy was the cause of rife slum dwelling and poverty: ‘(Of course, to get from Paris's chic arrondissements to the "autoroute du soleil", the Midi and their second homes, those Parisians drive past the horrible flats of the poor citizens of the French capital's banlieues, past people who cannot afford such refined pleasures and are increasingly and understandably seething about the inequalities of Gallic society - but let's not spoil the story.)’ Yeah, let’s not spoil the ‘story’.Who cares about the ‘poor citizens’ when we could be preaching about some idealised notion of a country? And this newspaper is supposed to be left wing? That’s socialism in a nutshell – ensuring that everyone is equally miserable.

There’s a very sinister agenda that lurks underneath all this prissy balderdash. What jumps out is a misguided mistrust of Big Business. These are the sort of assholes who threw bricks at McDonalds. People don’t go to church anymore, but they can indulge in the pompous ritual of taking empty bottles to be recycled. What is a bottle bank if not an alter where consumerist sins can be absolved? Much like the stupid smoking ban that nobody asked for, do you remember any scare stories about landfills about to burst? Do you recall any clamouring to stop causing so much waste? No, neither do I. Perhaps this is because landfill sites are perfectly safe and good for the next thousand years. Bottles are made of sand, yes? Is sand a scarce commodity that needs to be preserved? No. Does recycling use up energy just like making new bottles does? Well, bugger me. Think of all the stuff you chuck out on a weekly basis and multiply it by 6 billion. That’s a shit-ton of garbage. And yet, nothing happens. There’s no threat to our lifestyles. Nadda. We’ve got more space than we could ever fill with empty beer cans. The next time you see a picture of a polar bear perched precariously on a shrinking block of ice, ask yourself if what the agenda behind the image is and if it even matters. Personally, I couldn’t give a fuck if the polar bears died out today. They serve no use to me, as food or fuel, so extinction wouldn’t ruffle my feathers even slightly. Well, ice melts… usually in the summer. The polar bears seem to survive. How arrogant we are to assume that unplugging our DVD players will save the planet from some impending crisis. It’s as if changes in weather are something new, something unparalleled in our global history. The world is a mass of matter that has spun in space for aeons. Yet certain people will tell you that you’re so important that by not patronising low-budget airlines you will save us from certain doom. Yes, don’t go on holiday… how dare you ever think about it! Never mind that humans cause a negligible amount of C02 emissions and that the industrial revolution has not only benefited humanity but has also not impacted upon global temperatures until it became a hot topic, you should be ashamed to be alive! Do you think there’s a chance that the media latches on to stories of Biblical destruction and ignores more sober conclusions? Locusts! Volcanoes! Death! Despair! We must unplug our toasters at once!

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