2009-05-11 - 4:00 a.m.

A literary discussion so banal it could have been on Newsnight Review.

Caller: 'I read that Hannibal and couldn't follow it at all.'

Male Presenter: 'Had you read Silence of the Lambs first or did you just dive straight in to Hannibal?'

Caller: (long pause) 'I, I...I dove straight in. I watched the film of Silence of the Lambs...'

Male Presenter: 'And what? You couldn't follow it? Did it have the same characters?'

Caller: (longer pause) 'It had some of the same characters, Like Hannibal Lecter, but it was... uninvolving... I found it...(struggles to find the perfect adjective) implausible.'

Female Presenter: (talking to herself in a sing-song monotone, as if having had her string pulled) 'That's the trouble with thrillers, isn't it? If they're not plausible you lose interest - you think "I don't know what's going on with all these twists..."'

Five minutes of dead air as this wisdom sunk in.

Male Presenter: 'Well, thanks for calling, Andy, and thanks for warning us not to read Hannibal. Who is our next caller and what will be going on our bookshelf?'

Me: (hissing, enraged before sunrise in darkened bedroom) 'Oh, shut the fuck up you cunts.'

Exit bedroom. Enter bottle.

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