2009-07-26 - 7:46 p.m.

The pain in my mouth had become unbearable. I had to see a dentist. The problem I was faced with was that I didn't have a dentist whom I could employ. I hadn't bothered a dentist since I was a teenager and I had faded off the dentist's list. I was not registered. I was an unkown particle, a rogue, cast adrift in the quagmire of self-inflicted decay. Painted into a hubristic corner, I had to seek help from the state. An emergency appointment was booked at my local centre of health. This is my story.

I call at 08:30, as instructed. I speak to the receptionist and get an appointment on the same day at 10:20. Holy shit, that's actually pretty good. I show up on time, newly showered, and fill out a form detailing my previous diseases and awfulness. I sit on a tiny plastic chair in the waiting room with some other retards and wait for my name to be called. Minutes pass and I'm up, ushered in to the tantalising grotto of wellness.

The dentist was beautiful. She was from Prussia, or somewhere Eastern European. She had a glamourous assistant and I was to be sawn in half. I was instructed to lay back upon that kinky slab and open my mouth wide. I was outfitted with not only a bib but also a pair of snazzy wraparound shades. I was helpless while a pale fawn-haired women with soft skin pushed buzzing gagets into my gaping maw. This wasn't a medical procedure so much as a sado-masochistic ritual drama. I lay back on the block and looked up in awe at these costumed women taking my pain in their robot hands.

Yet, they've seen my most awful preventable flaws. A date was out of the question. You can't wink at a lady who has seen your diseased teeth. 'Hi, toots, remember me? I'm the guy who never brushed!' No, that wouldn't do, no matter how handsome one's tormentor.

The last week I've spent with a fucked tooth. I've eaten nothing but soup, porridge and warm milk. I take my pills like clockwork. I sleep when I can because my toothache dicates when I wake up in pain. My bowel movements have become perfect, almost feminine. I emit a scentless pellet every Monday morning. Dentists have earned my respect. Unlike doctors they perform a manual, skilled service. They don't just sit there, godlike, critiquing. Denitsts have to work, like mechanics, to fix the human fangs. Doctors... fuck doctors.

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