2009-08-22 - 5:15 p.m.

'Primark suit! Primark suit!' shouted the young girls behind me at the pathetic heel manager. I was at the wrestling. The barbed wit of this impromptu chant filled my heart with glee. It made a nice change from the little brats yelling 'You suck!' More hilarity ensued when the Welsh heel shouted 'Shut up, fat boy!' at an annoying kid in the audience. 'It's glandular!' was the instant retort from a drunken ringsider. Oftentimes the audience at a local wrestling show is more entertaining than the ridiculous bloaters in the tiny ring. While it would be a poor show to encourage steroid abuse, it might be an idea when one finds oneself concentrating more on the tiny nipples on the green-haired manchild than his coreographed stunts. His nipples were like a broken pixel on a milk bottle. Oh, and some fatty got thrown through a chipboard table. Well, woop de do. Forgive me if I remained seated.

Still, I saw Ted Dibiase cut a great promo. I had purchased a �15 ticket, figuring, correctly, that there would be little point in opting for �20 or �30 briefs. My cheapskate purchase landed me in the third row, ten feet from the shitty ring. Ted came out, praised Scotland and cackled. I inwardly swooned. Here was the guy who attempted to pay off Andre the Giant for the WWF world championship right in front of mine eyes. 'I don't remember calling a cab' he said, when aforementioned Primark suit interrupted The Million Dollar Man's promo with his rubbishy 'Stirling Oil' charges. One of them looked to be about twelve. Ted was game, but it must have seemed to him like quite the come down from Madison Square Garden and Rowdy Roddy Piper. Maybe he's happier now, away from all the show biz drugs and hysteria.

When I was walking out I was right next to him. I happened to glance to my left and saw Ted 'Million Dollar Man' Dibase' right next to me, walking toward his merchandise stall. I could have touched him. What does one say in such circumstances? 'Where's Virgil?'* I thought not. Why bother celebrities? Dibiase didn't need the ego-boost and I had nothing. We each strode into the night better for it.

*Dibiase's black manservant 'Virgil' was a Vince McMahon dig at rival Dusty Rhodes - real name Virgil Runnels.

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